The Almighty God needs me in Heaven. Does this sound like raving madness? Nevertheless it is the truth. And what's more, he needs me pretty soon. I know this because he has sent me an invitation I can't ignore. To stress the urgency of the invitation he has enclosed a ticket. The ticket says: Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), an incurable disease, gradually leading to extensive paralysis because the motor neurons cease to work. In other words: all muscular functions, the ability to move, talk, eat and breathe deteriorate over a period of 2-4 years. After ten years only one out of ten is alive. The number of ALS diagnosed in one year equals the number of Lotto miilionaires. ALS is not life style related disease; it was recorded already in the 19th century and occurs worldwide. ALS leaves the inner organs, the senses and the mental faculties intact, there is no pain and you don't really feel ill.

It was a ghastly shock to learn the diagnosis: I only had a small limp and never imagined that anything serious was the matter. The prospect of a premature death did not scare me. Since long I did not fear death. But the vulnerability of being handicapped and the loss of social roles was a horrid thought.

The first week I may not have grasped the implications of the diagnosis. Then I stumbled upon an ultrashort definition of ALS in the Sunday paper: "ALS is a progressive neuro muscular disease, with atrophy of muscular tissue as its most prominent symptom. There is no cure for the disease, whereas a correct and early treatment of the symptoms can relieve the burden of a very short and severe ilness and ensure a dignfied end to life.When after a couple of weeks I had fully digested this perspective, I started to move forward.

This is the blueprint of my path to heaven- "blueprint" because the plan could be changed: I might be killed in an car accident , medical reseach might come up with a cure. Anything could happen. The world might come to an end or a miracle could occur. But isn't it - in spite of the plausability of these events - a more realistic guess that I am needed in Heaven - even though I am only 45.

For 1 1/2 year I have carried the ticket peacefully in my pocket.In that period of time I have organized my life; I have left work and spent time according to my own wishes, done a lot of travelling and a good deal of philosophizing. I have tried my hand at the art of living in the present while at the same time being prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. Thanks to my Danish citizenship I am taken well care of. Welfare officers have acted smoothly and the Muscular Dystrophy Organization has organized wellfunctioning support groups. I have - strangely enough - become accustomed to the loss of abilities - and I have accepted that my chances of reaching 50 aren't that big. My everyday life is rewarding and I look forward to many a good day. I live in and is surrounded by love. On principle I have no problems and yet I have been presented with a schism.

I have discovered that I have a choice. Through a technical and financial effort my life could be "put on parole", so to speak. 90 % of people suffering from ALS die from respiratory failure. Connected to a ventilator (todays standard ventilator is the size of a toolbox), I will probably be able to live for years. I will not be able to move or talk and I will have to eat through a feeding tube. By the means of an adapted computer I will be able to communicate - slowly but still efficiently. A so-called "vegetative" existence, but with my senses, feelings, and personality intact I will be able to participate in life through my mind and presence.

The use of ventilator in connection with ALS is unusual in Denmark. From a book on ALS published in 1993:"Many will find respiratory treatment unethical". I have been puzzled by this statement and its (hidden) message. Will people feel "ethical discomfort" by watching me? Or do I act unethical wanting to breathe? I certainly find it hard to imagine how my life will become unethical because of a device that assists my breathing. Or is the message that my life is worthless because I am paralyzed? Who can assess the value of a life?

Is it possible to view a ventilator as an appliance in line with a wheelchair? Or a vital medical treatment? If I do not use - or the doctors do not offer me - this aid, are we not then talking about suicide respectively euthanasia? In the same book it is stated that respiratory treatment is a questionable procedure and that after a briefing most turn down the possibility. In the same context, however, it is mentioned that those who have chosen the ventilator are content and would - given the possibility - make the same choice again.

It is understandable that a life on such premises appears unacceptable to those not confronted with the situation. Two years ago I myself would have refused such an offer unhesitatingly. Now I lead a fulfilling and happy life and I have no wish to abandon it right now.

Back to The Almighty - I wonder what is his response to the fact that we human beings have developed skills and technologies, enabling us to refuse his call. What will happen if I ignore his invitation? Will I receive another? Let me stress that my talk about God is seriously meant and that I believe in a divine Providence.

If we believe that life and death are embodied with a meaning - then we are able to ascribe to events and phenomena in our lives a meaning too. I am convinced that our actions and thoughts have causes and consequences and that these causal cycles reach far beyond our physical existence. I believe in an after-life in a sphere where our true identity will be able to act in a environment which our present consciousness finds it hard to grasp. Life and death are ways of participating in an adventurous spiritual journey in a still expanding universe. To cross the threshold between life and death will not be a devastating experience but a beautiful surprise to the unsuspecting. How this knowledge of life and death is going to influence my choice I don't know yet.

There is a lot to ponder. Will I be able to create a life with enough quality? Or is the "existence as dead" to be preferred? Will I be able to ignore the feeling of being a burden to my surroundings? The decision is mine alone - I cannot ask for advice anywhere. Ironically my handicap has given me a feeling of freedom; not merely the freedom to spend my time the way I prefer, but the privilige to be freed from fear of life and death.

In July I sat on the porch and enjoyed the brisk wind over the heather and the dunes and at once I realized that I would like to sit on that porch next year as well - no matter how handicapped. I wish to accompany my family and friends further on. And I would love to see Bjarne Riis (Danish bicyclist - winner of Tour de France, 1996), have his revenge in Tour de France. I take a special interest in this because a doctor estimated my chances of being alive next summer bigger than Bjarne's chances of winning the Tour! I think that gives me the upper hand!

This summer has been beautiful - blue skies as never before. Flowers have radiated all the colours of the rainbow, when I passed their roadside home in my wheelchair. The beauty of this world can be intense and has made me seriously wondering if "Heaven really is the better place."